Fuck Yeah, Paul Gross!

By request: Today shall be Fraser - Diefenbaker picture spam day.

Fraser: Oh dear. Uh, you see that sign? That includes you.

Dief: Rrrrf.

Fraser: No, no, no. You can’t take that attitude. It’s a health regulation. There’s a very good reason for it. 

Vecchio: Yeah, you stink. 

Fraser: Ray, please, he’s already feeling excluded. 

Vecchio: Well, he should feel excluded, he’s an animal! 

Dief: (whines)

Fraser: Well, there you go. Now you’ve done it. Satisfied? 

Vecchio: Strangely, yes. 

— Due South episode 1x06 ‘Chinatown’

Some days it’s just not worth chewing through the straps.

So I dislocate my shoulder and squirm out of them instead.

Louis: So, you were sitting up there when this supposed crime took place where? 

Fraser: Approximately thirty-five meters south southwest. 

Huey: And you saw this from across the room, through the pagoda and around the corner, right? 

Fraser: No, I heard it. 

Huey: You heard it. 

Louis: (skeptically) You heard it. 

Huey: Tell me Fraser, what exactly does a kidnapping sound like? 

Fraser: Well, in this case, there was the sound of a foot breaking glass; this was followed by the scream of a female bystander, and then the squeal of tyres as the vehicle pulled away from the curb. 

Huey: And did you happen to hear the license plate number? 

Fraser: No, no. The license plate was obscured by mud. 

Louis: You know what we have here Jack? Another case of speeding with a dirty license plate. 

Huey: Damn! This city’s going to hell. 

Fraser: I did find this. (hands the two a piece of glass) Whoever was kidnapped must have tried to escape through the rear window. I believe you’ll find that’s human blood. 

Huey: Ah. Someone nicked themselves while driving. 

— Due South 1x06, Chinatown

Fraser: When I was flipping through the service manual of your car, I discovered that your gas tank is only eleven inches from your rear fender. 

Vecchio: You opened my manual?! 

Fraser: Only for three seconds. Now one bullet can penetrate the tank and spark an explosion. 

Ian: I was right? 

Vecchio: Yeah and if you’re lucky you can take that information to the grave. 

Fraser: What we need to do is get the other two close enough to be hit by the explosion. 

Vecchio: But there’s two guys behind their car. Why can’t I just shoot it? 

Fraser: Well I didn’t read their manual, Ray. 

Fuck Yeah, Due South! Thursday concludes!

I’m a huge classic American car buff and I fully intend to own a ‘71 Riviera eventually, so this episode tears me up about as much as it tears Ray up inside. Of course, we all know (thanks to Mythbusters and the tenets of basic chemistry) that despite what Hollywood tells us, a bullet to a gas tank will not in fact result in a fireball explosion. So this is something we’re going to just have to chalk up to dramatic license in order to provide us with some entertainment… and give Vecchio nightmares for the rest of his life.

In case you’re a complete car nut like me, you can find the service manual Ray’s so protective of at this website (in PDF form) Note that on this model, the gas tank cap is located at the rear of the car, behind the license plate, rather than on the side as most of us are used to nowadays. 

Randomly, Ray must have gone through a LOT of sets of tires on that car with the way he drives.

Vecchio: This is a nineteen-seventy-one mint condition Buick Riviera. 

Fraser: You know Ray, you really don’t have to do this. I’m sure I can find someone to lend me a car. 

Vecchio: How many people have we asked? 

Fraser: Well, uh, basically everyone I know. It does seem rather curious that they’ve all decided to leave town at exactly the same time. 

Vecchio: It uses top octane fuel, 20 weight oil. 

Fraser: Ray, this is silly. How are you going to get to Florida? 

Vecchio: I’ll fly. It’ll be worth the six hundred bucks to get rid of you. 

Ian: Are you aware that the gas tank in this particular make of car explodes on impact? 

Vecchio: You want to ride in the trunk? 

Fraser: Ray, you know, I appreciate this offer, I really do, but you have some kind of special bond with this vehicle. I’m not saying I understand it, but I do respect it. 

Vecchio: Shut up before I change my mind. Now, in the care and operation of this vehicle, there is one thing to remember and hold above all else: Never, I repeat never use the lighter. Of all the original parts in this car, it was the most difficult to replace. It took me seven years to find that lighter. And since I’ve owned it? It’s never been depressed. 

Fraser: Then how do you know it works? 

Vecchio: I know in my soul. Do not adjust the passenger seat, open up the glove box or use anything other than the preset radio buttons. 

Fraser: I’ll take good care of your car, Ray. 

Hi kids! It’s time for the return of Fuck Yeah, Due South! Thursday here on Tumblr -that’s right, your intrepid Paul Gross stalker ringleader is back on the job! Well, for now. ANYWAY

There’s a couple of great things about this episode:

* The first appearance of the actor who returns later to play Renfield Turnbull in season 2.

* We see Fraser actually eat something for the first time (this is significant, bear with me on this one)

* It’s the first time we see Fraser behind the wheel of a car and driving. Competently (remember this)

* The Riviera bites the dust for the first time in the series. I mourn.

Fraser: Gone. The prints are still here. The crutch is gone. 

Vecchio: Maybe he pitched it. 

Fraser: (points at a dumpster across the street) There. 

Vecchio: Aw, no, Fraser! Not another dumpster! I am not getting into a dumpster with you. Fraser! There is no way I’m getting in this dumpster with you. Don’t even think about it, don’t even suggest it. You know how many suits I’ve ruined frolicking in refuse for you? 

— Due South episode 1x13, An Eye For An Eye

That’s right folks, Fuck Yeah! Due South Thursday! is back. I’m sure you all missed it terribly.

Vecchio: I’m dead, Fraser, these people are gonna eat me alive. 

Fraser: They don’t seem particularly threatening, Ray. 

Vecchio: Old people just make me nervous. 

Fraser: Well, you know, the aged are just like people too. Only… they’re older. 

- 1x13 An Eye For An Eye

Elaine: So Fraser, how’s the apartment furnishing coming along? 

Fraser: Very well, thank you, Elaine. As a matter of fact, I recently purchased a lamp. 

Elaine: Really? A lamp. 

Fraser: Very good for reading. 

Elaine: Is that what you do at night? 

Vecchio: Elaine, we’ve got work to do here. 

Elaine: So what are you reading with this new lamp? 

Fraser: Well, I’ve been reading a book about currency watermarks. 

Elaine: Alone?

— Due South 1x11 - You Must Remember This

Ahahaha THE LOOK ON HIS FACE

Never change, Ben. Never.

idk about you all but whenever Paul Gross appears in my life it’s like Christmas came early, look I have proof

Vecchio: So what’s it called again? 

Fraser: It’s called triangulation, Ray. It’s the same technique that game wardens use to track caribou herds. 

Vecchio: Well that’s fascinating, Fraser, but the last caribou spotted in Chicago was over three hundred years ago. 

Elaine: That was the cell phone company, they found her number and picked up signals. Here, near Carpentersville. Farmland mostly. Not too many folks with mobile phones in those parts. 

Fraser: Does the phone have to be in use to pick up the signal? 

Elaine: No, it just has to be on to receive calls. It emits a signal unless the power’s off. That’s the good news. 

Vecchio: Elaine, we are attempting to track criminals as though they were fur-bearing animals. What news could be bad? 

Elaine: The grid covers an area of over twenty square miles. Unless you plan to go door to door. 

Vecchio: Okay Fraser, how do we find the herd? 

This episode is one of those occasions where it’s a bit more obvious that the show’s a product of the mid-90’s; for the most part it’s easy to overlook the larger mobile phones used at that point, but when things like this come up, you become more aware of the differences in technology between now and then.